Life and Death

This has really been at the forefront for me in the last couple of weeks. I have been with one of my closest friends over the last couple of weeks who has experienced the loss of her Father. It was a tragic unexpected loss and shook this family to the core. He was the kind of Man that you could have a brief conversation with and be considered a friend. He was larger than life in his kindness and generosity, but understated and humble at the core of his character. I knew him at a very young age and I believe he truly shaped the woman I know today. He was instrumental in a way that allowed her to be strong, mindful, independent and most of all the kind of friend everyone wish they had. The time we spent together over the last couple of weeks spoke to the true meaning of life in death in every moment. It was saying goodbye, planning services, crying, yelling, shopping for outfits, looking for the right makeup and going though paperwork; all the mundane busywork that just illuminates the fact that in death, life continues to move forward and does not wait for you to be ready. It's almost unthinkable that no one really knows what someone is going through at the moment you maybe in line at a grocery store. That the biggest tragedy just took place for someone and they still must pick up some items. In his death, I saw her life; it is glorious in a way that is subtle yet loud. She is going to change the world for the better, I know this because she has changed mine.

My Big Lesson

Over the last couple of years I have had to really do some searching, not for a particular answer but for how I wanted to see my life & what I have left of it. In my experiences I allowed myself to get hurt from people that  do not matter and let myself be mis-handled when I knew better. I gave into the idea that people are good and the right thing will happen. I believed that Truth above all else prevails and the fight I needed to have should be better put to use for my health. What I have learned from this experience is that; Truth only speaks to those who open there eyes to the clarity of it and not the perception of chatter to it;  you have to fight the little battles in order to win the war; and most importantly loyalty is sometimes a one-way-street. It is the gamble you play in opening yourself up like the book you write everyday. That the strengths you have in order to navigate life are the obstacles others use to step up on.You have to enter cautiously but open, faithful but a realist and most of all accepting that sometimes you will fail. If I let this change me I would be giving into what I despise most about learning this lesson; and that would be a hateful person and that is just not an option. So with that said, I release my hurt & my anger, my idealism on Friendship and most of all I set free the part of me which lived in the world without color for a little while, I am seeing rainbows for the next half.

Tis the Season

As the Holiday season fast approaches I always do a little self check, I think we all should. This year was an interesting one. My work was a struggle, but the battle is over. I may have a few small things to get through but in the big picture Check Mate too me. My family, solid and good. Ron and I are doing great, we have little bumps in the road which always seem to co-inside with a certain week of every month but hey...it's all good in this marriage hood. Little miss is growing up so fast, she has said things to me that have blown me away this year. She told me of one of her friends called herself fat, I asked what she said to her. She said that it is not what's on the outside that matters, it's what is in your heart and mind that is most important. Yes, she is five. She also said too me one day while driving home crying that Her brain and I just aren't getting along, lol. At 5 she is realizing the power of her words. She went from white belt to yellow, she learned how to swim, she's becoming a wonderful dancer & performer but most off all she is a solid person with a good foundation for who she is. So while I reflect on this year and the years to come I hope that all of you check in with yourself and your family. They are the biggest gifts you will ever have in your life, and you do take them with you.

Liberated Motherhood

Was taking your bra off, demanding equal rights and equal pay worth it? I really don't think so, in fact I think it's exactly what is wrong with the world. Now before you start yelling or doing something drastic like un-FB friend me just hear me out. In the land of "equal, " it just plain and simply isn't. We not only make up a huge part of the "working world," it is just another item added onto the list we created. In a matter of marching, burning bra's and protesting we have created a society of overworked, still underpaid and shorted the most important part of what a woman really has to offer, that is the ability to nurture not only ourselves but our families. Now we hardly cook meals at home, we bus around our children to multiple activities on the weekends or after work, we feel guilty about taking time off of work and miss some of the most important times in our children s' life. We do this because we think it's what we wanted. The aftermath has already begun, our children now see that they are NOT as important as we say they are, they cannot count on you and in return we buy them things so that they will forget that we were not there. We have created a society in which Mother's now spend the least amount of time doing the most important job we could ever have. It is clear that it HAS to change, more woman are dying earlier of disease, cancer is at an all time high and we think it has nothing to do with our schedule; we our kidding ourselves; It has EVERYTHING to do with it. The evolutionary world we sought is now skewed and ultimately we have to change it. Being a Mom isn't a title in which we see the rewards in a pay check, it's success can change the World because we took the time to nurture the seed.

Defining My Riches

You know as you get older you really start to understand life more. I feel really lucky that I have had a different perspective on it for quite some time because of my heart disease and I am super thankful for that. You might say that is crazy and maybe it is, but it is my normal. I have always felt like I never not wanted for anything. It's not because I had everything, it is because I had life. I think more and more about this everyday. When I see my little miss and dream about her future all I want is to be there for all the experiences she will have. I never thought in my lifetime that my will too live would be stronger then when I had faced it at 10, but the truth of the matter is that feeling is stronger today then ever. I hate too think of not being here for her. I know that I have no control over that, I know I never have, it's just a wish and a prayer and a little hope that my life will be longer again then I ever expected it to be. That I can see her grow up into a beautiful woman and know that I truly lived because her happiness will be the truest definition of wealth I could ever want. 

Underestimated

Sometimes you need to be seen as the fool

It allows you to manipulate those around you as tools

If you know what you know and you've seen it play out

You'll find you won't need to stand up and shout

You'll be overheard, told on and it will start

So be prepared to have it play out duck and cover they'll be sparks

Feelings will get hurt, but you remain strong

It is really about what's right and what's wrong 

Truth after all sets you free

Note to self, you've miscalculated me

Scarred

Am I defined by the scars on my chest? In 38 years it has never been more prevalent than at this very moment.

Each scar is a story that lives with me every day, of every minute of every second I take a breath. Each cut against my skin is a second of my life given back to me. They are the physical manifestations that speak my story louder than anything I could ever be. The side center cut in which a scalpel was placed against my 1 year old body, again  in the center of my chest at 10 years old, below my breast plate for drainage tubes, on my abdomen at the ages of 10, 20, 30, 33 and 37, my upper chest at age 32 and again at 37 are my voice. There is and never will be another story that can be told by any other person that could speak the truth that belongs to me. I have survived the worst, I have prolonged my life; for now and I will not let that be taken from me by anyone who thinks different. The evil and contempt that shadows the hall will turn and seek it's seeker; for I am the child that cried for her Mom in a long cold surgical hallway at 10, I am the child that asked what it might be like to be an Angel and I am the child that understands the gravity of existence.

 

Inner Bitch

Sometimes the world provides us opportunity to tap into a power much greater then having something between your legs that hangs. I mean a Woman on a mission, powered and lit by something much bigger then her is seen as a Bitch, so I say get to know her, develop her and allow her to make decisions based upon the strength and power she has. She is not defined by fear and is not driven by emotion. She is a forward thinker that sees nothing more then what she wants and how to get it. She does not think of the path of destruction behind her or worry about perception. She is tough, demanding and can separate the bull from the shit. If you happen to run into her, get out of the way because what you thought you knew you don't and she will re-write your script. So don't wake up the Inner Bitch unless your ready for game, set, match...I'm just saying.....

Perplexing Perception

Can you change what someone else thinks? I'm not sure, what I am figuring out is that the power behind perception is held to a higher standard then any possible truth or fact that drives it. That it is not about what you do or say, it is about how someone feels about what they think they hear or what they think they've seen. I maybe should try a different approach, but wait that's just plain crazy. What power am I willing to let go of in my character to change how you may feel about me...that would be Nada, 0, Go Fly a Kite in a Lightning Storm...cause if you know me, really no me then I don't need to come with a warning label. So if you are one to get your panties in a wad & don't have another one handy to change into...step on out of the way....In my world, the one that's funny, loving & balanced according to me; it is the only one I am willing to live in.....like it or not :)

Modern day Seuss

In the world of perception all can be what you want it too be :O

It is not fact nor is it fiction, it could be overheard conversation on the floor, or in a kitchen

It is none of your business OR maybe it is, So take what you wish and share it with the Wiz

It's the hammer or the wrench a widget or tool, however you use it always reflects the fool 

Change something you say, based on lies and not truth...

No way No how Not ever sir sleuth, for someday I wish to be; the modern Dr. Seuss