Round Three

How do I even begin? For the third time in my life I am facing Open Heart Surgery...ugh I tear up just typing it. I know exactly how I am feeling about this, I spent most of Friday crying about it. It does not matter how old you are, how much life experience you have, it all comes down to the fact that I am not ready to die. Now I know like all of us life is unexpected, we are not meant to be here forever, I totally get that. Where my fear comes from is picking the date for that to be an option. I have the will of a Lioness and the heart of a cub. Now I have to look through a calendar and pick the time. Should I wait for my daughter to graduate Kindergarten? Should I wait past Mother's Day, Father's Day, my Husbands birthday..... It's all these times that I think about the possibility of missing that brings me to my knees, it's the possibility of them being the last time I have. So what do I do? I cry, yell, kick and scream....then I take a breath and realize that I have no control over my destiny here and what will be will be. I stay strong and true to who I am and the possibility of who I will be when I wake up and see my family and friends, it's the only thing I truly wish for.

Why Me?

So I had my breakdown this morning; I knew it was coming it was just a matter of time. The reality of my life is just the continuous question of why me? So in the picture I paint everyday I take a breath I will answer it with why not me? No one deserves illness or heartache or struggle, it's just life. It's the cards we are dealt when cells take shape to create a new life. The choice you have is how to deal with the deck. I know how much I have already overcome, I know what my successes are, how lucky I have been and how blessed I am. I am trying hard to keep all of that in perspective with every moment I have in this life. Today it slipped a little; my fear is the same, it's always the unknown, but in crying about it I realized it's the one thing that stays the same. No matter what I face now or in the future I will always be thankful for the moment I am in. So here is to another chapter, another surgery ahead and another milestone in my crazy life living with heart disease, it is just the small part of what defines my life, I will not allow it to be anything more.

Changing it up

The old notion that you are what you eat has manifested into something further for me over the last couple of weeks. I am changing it up in this household; it may take some time and some getting used to, but change is a coming. I will be getting rid of most of my mainstream products in this house. The fragrance soaps, perfumes, detergent, deodorant, makeup, nail-polish and who knows what else. In the last couple of weeks spending time with one of my best friends I have learned a lot & I am on board her train. She woke me up in away that is going to get us back to basics for our overall health and wellness. Now when I enter a store I will be reading the labels of what chemicals I am willing to lather up in, lotion up with and put on. The big C scares me enough and I know that I have the power to be the change for this home. I want to not only be better for my family, I want to be the example for my daughter who someday will be shopping for a family of her own, and you do as you see.

Life and Death

This has really been at the forefront for me in the last couple of weeks. I have been with one of my closest friends over the last couple of weeks who has experienced the loss of her Father. It was a tragic unexpected loss and shook this family to the core. He was the kind of Man that you could have a brief conversation with and be considered a friend. He was larger than life in his kindness and generosity, but understated and humble at the core of his character. I knew him at a very young age and I believe he truly shaped the woman I know today. He was instrumental in a way that allowed her to be strong, mindful, independent and most of all the kind of friend everyone wish they had. The time we spent together over the last couple of weeks spoke to the true meaning of life in death in every moment. It was saying goodbye, planning services, crying, yelling, shopping for outfits, looking for the right makeup and going though paperwork; all the mundane busywork that just illuminates the fact that in death, life continues to move forward and does not wait for you to be ready. It's almost unthinkable that no one really knows what someone is going through at the moment you maybe in line at a grocery store. That the biggest tragedy just took place for someone and they still must pick up some items. In his death, I saw her life; it is glorious in a way that is subtle yet loud. She is going to change the world for the better, I know this because she has changed mine.

My Big Lesson

Over the last couple of years I have had to really do some searching, not for a particular answer but for how I wanted to see my life & what I have left of it. In my experiences I allowed myself to get hurt from people that  do not matter and let myself be mis-handled when I knew better. I gave into the idea that people are good and the right thing will happen. I believed that Truth above all else prevails and the fight I needed to have should be better put to use for my health. What I have learned from this experience is that; Truth only speaks to those who open there eyes to the clarity of it and not the perception of chatter to it;  you have to fight the little battles in order to win the war; and most importantly loyalty is sometimes a one-way-street. It is the gamble you play in opening yourself up like the book you write everyday. That the strengths you have in order to navigate life are the obstacles others use to step up on.You have to enter cautiously but open, faithful but a realist and most of all accepting that sometimes you will fail. If I let this change me I would be giving into what I despise most about learning this lesson; and that would be a hateful person and that is just not an option. So with that said, I release my hurt & my anger, my idealism on Friendship and most of all I set free the part of me which lived in the world without color for a little while, I am seeing rainbows for the next half.

Tis the Season

As the Holiday season fast approaches I always do a little self check, I think we all should. This year was an interesting one. My work was a struggle, but the battle is over. I may have a few small things to get through but in the big picture Check Mate too me. My family, solid and good. Ron and I are doing great, we have little bumps in the road which always seem to co-inside with a certain week of every month but hey...it's all good in this marriage hood. Little miss is growing up so fast, she has said things to me that have blown me away this year. She told me of one of her friends called herself fat, I asked what she said to her. She said that it is not what's on the outside that matters, it's what is in your heart and mind that is most important. Yes, she is five. She also said too me one day while driving home crying that Her brain and I just aren't getting along, lol. At 5 she is realizing the power of her words. She went from white belt to yellow, she learned how to swim, she's becoming a wonderful dancer & performer but most off all she is a solid person with a good foundation for who she is. So while I reflect on this year and the years to come I hope that all of you check in with yourself and your family. They are the biggest gifts you will ever have in your life, and you do take them with you.

Liberated Motherhood

Was taking your bra off, demanding equal rights and equal pay worth it? I really don't think so, in fact I think it's exactly what is wrong with the world. Now before you start yelling or doing something drastic like un-FB friend me just hear me out. In the land of "equal, " it just plain and simply isn't. We not only make up a huge part of the "working world," it is just another item added onto the list we created. In a matter of marching, burning bra's and protesting we have created a society of overworked, still underpaid and shorted the most important part of what a woman really has to offer, that is the ability to nurture not only ourselves but our families. Now we hardly cook meals at home, we bus around our children to multiple activities on the weekends or after work, we feel guilty about taking time off of work and miss some of the most important times in our children s' life. We do this because we think it's what we wanted. The aftermath has already begun, our children now see that they are NOT as important as we say they are, they cannot count on you and in return we buy them things so that they will forget that we were not there. We have created a society in which Mother's now spend the least amount of time doing the most important job we could ever have. It is clear that it HAS to change, more woman are dying earlier of disease, cancer is at an all time high and we think it has nothing to do with our schedule; we our kidding ourselves; It has EVERYTHING to do with it. The evolutionary world we sought is now skewed and ultimately we have to change it. Being a Mom isn't a title in which we see the rewards in a pay check, it's success can change the World because we took the time to nurture the seed.

Defining My Riches

You know as you get older you really start to understand life more. I feel really lucky that I have had a different perspective on it for quite some time because of my heart disease and I am super thankful for that. You might say that is crazy and maybe it is, but it is my normal. I have always felt like I never not wanted for anything. It's not because I had everything, it is because I had life. I think more and more about this everyday. When I see my little miss and dream about her future all I want is to be there for all the experiences she will have. I never thought in my lifetime that my will too live would be stronger then when I had faced it at 10, but the truth of the matter is that feeling is stronger today then ever. I hate too think of not being here for her. I know that I have no control over that, I know I never have, it's just a wish and a prayer and a little hope that my life will be longer again then I ever expected it to be. That I can see her grow up into a beautiful woman and know that I truly lived because her happiness will be the truest definition of wealth I could ever want. 

Underestimated

Sometimes you need to be seen as the fool

It allows you to manipulate those around you as tools

If you know what you know and you've seen it play out

You'll find you won't need to stand up and shout

You'll be overheard, told on and it will start

So be prepared to have it play out duck and cover they'll be sparks

Feelings will get hurt, but you remain strong

It is really about what's right and what's wrong 

Truth after all sets you free

Note to self, you've miscalculated me

Scarred

Am I defined by the scars on my chest? In 38 years it has never been more prevalent than at this very moment.

Each scar is a story that lives with me every day, of every minute of every second I take a breath. Each cut against my skin is a second of my life given back to me. They are the physical manifestations that speak my story louder than anything I could ever be. The side center cut in which a scalpel was placed against my 1 year old body, again  in the center of my chest at 10 years old, below my breast plate for drainage tubes, on my abdomen at the ages of 10, 20, 30, 33 and 37, my upper chest at age 32 and again at 37 are my voice. There is and never will be another story that can be told by any other person that could speak the truth that belongs to me. I have survived the worst, I have prolonged my life; for now and I will not let that be taken from me by anyone who thinks different. The evil and contempt that shadows the hall will turn and seek it's seeker; for I am the child that cried for her Mom in a long cold surgical hallway at 10, I am the child that asked what it might be like to be an Angel and I am the child that understands the gravity of existence.