Life

Life is so great, I know I say that over and over and if you know anything about me you would understand why. I am currently recovering from my 4th pacemaker implant. That's right number 4, since I was 10 an electronic device implanted in my body has been the only saving grace from life and death for me. It has been and will continue to be the scariest thing I face, mortality, and yet it is the most common ground we all have with each other. Every day is a little death and we don't even think about it. Well, maybe you don't, but I do. You see I can tell you what death feels like, I can tell you what your body does when your heart stops and the blood slows, I can tell you that you sink into yourself at a depth so quickly that you have to realize that your soul has to be bigger than life. If death happens so quickly then why are we so slow to live our life? You have to realize that it is in an instant, seconds maybe that you are no longer living, and in that moment of fade everything in your life comes back to you. Your choices, your family, your decisions about everything you have done or not done. Saying I love you, I'm sorry, I can't, I will or just saying something is no longer a choice at this moment, so I say make that choice now. There should be no questions unanswered if you are paying attention in your life, so do yourself a favor and check all the way in while you are here, because there is no second chance.

The Emancipation of Jeni

I for one have NEVER I mean NEVER liked to be called by Jeni. I don't know what it is about this shortened version of my name, I have always just felt that Jeni never could represent the core of who I am. I see myself as strong, independent, forward and an all around hold my ground kind of girl, you know what? I recently discovered that others see me as compassionate, open & trustworthy. I have discovered that Jeni isn't so bad, she is another part of me that perhaps I keep closer so that she can be there for when she is called upon. I think I have tried to define myself with a name but realized I can become one dimensional and ideas, views and opportunities for growth become smaller. I am going to Emancipate Jeni and let this part of me flourish so that I can be seen and see the best of all I am, and work on all the faults. Allowing myself true discovery of me.

Not part of the wall

Have you ever felt like what you are a part of was one solid structure? Mixed with strength, compassion, dependability, loyalty & support that the structure will hold up forever? I hoped, until I realized that each individual point in the structure sees itself as the entire wall. I so badly want it to be a strong and successful structure, but I am finding that the materials I am working with are crumbling beneath me. That what I thought once was a solid structure is no more then a mirage in the desert when thirst plays tricks on you. I fear the crumbling, I dread the fall but sometimes things have to crumble in order for new walls to be built. Perhaps by building a new structure understanding and goal for the new wall becomes clear. A commonality in ones heart and soul can shine through, perhaps the strength is in the knowledge from the fall and the new found respect that all pieces must have the same amount of strength, compassion, dependability, loyalty and support will prevail. I hope too be a part of this new wall.

Taken

No hugs and no kisses for my little misses. No high fives, no dances no silly girl prances. No night time bed stories with her in my lap, no rocking my baby girl or rubbing her back. No doing her hair or helping her get dressed, telling her I can't while she says "mama please yes?" No holding her hand or kissing an owie, no wiping her tears or playing a game, no writing her letters her numbers her name. It's what has been taken by the Swine Flu game.

I've cried and I've screamed and I have been very upset, it's negligent in best terms but helpless the next.

What's next you say, I'm not quite sure, it's not a procedure a policy or a cure. It's one persons journey on what's taken in time, and there's nothing that can pay for it's rhythm nor rhyme. I'll go back to the mainstream with the knowledge I learned, to look out for the monsters who don't care when you get burned.

Denied

Well it's Sunday and today I went to Urgent Care. I have been sick since Thursday and thought with some sleep I could kick this thing, but it is winning. With Insurance card in hand I walked right into Urgent Care to receive some greatly needed medical attention. I waited at the front desk, handed Betty my information and proceeded to hear, "I'm sorry, it's not showing you as an active member." Say what? Now most of you know the HUGE problems I have had with my greatly appreciated self insured agency in the last 5 years. So with that, Betty told me I could pay the $150.00 up front just for the visit not including any of the tests the might run OR I can go to the ER and the wait was only 5 hours. I have been coughing, sneezing, dizzy, sweaty and just all around feeling like crap, this was the gift given to me by working for 3 whole days last week while 3-4 others proceeded to come to work with Bronchitis. Thank you.... not only have you made me sick, today I cried.

Congratulations Health Care Insurance... you Rock!

Upgrade Time

I have been thinking a lot about my life lately. I think it maybe the fact I will soon be facing another pacemaker surgery and I always reflect when that comes around. It will be a constant factor in my life, it's gives me life in the most simplest terms. It's a pretty easy surgery in comparison to all I have had, however I am always a little nervous and it tends to bring back those same unwavering doubts. We are going to be changing my wires and the location this time which will allow me to not have interference, which I have had ... damn tower and also be able to do some tummy exercises which I have been unable to do since I was 10. The lower wire runs through my stomach muscle. SO with the upgrade, location, wires and all I am really excited about what I will be able to do. I know I will be a little more sore since any foreign object in your body always wants out, however a little meds and time and I will be up and ready to go. I am hoping Oct-Nov sometime, right now I am in the 3-6 mo window. They won't let me get too close since it's the only thing keeping me from 6 feet under... :)Till then each day I wake up is a good one... which you may have doubted by most of the content of my blog. But don't let my look on things fool ya into how happy I am about life... I hope you feel the same.

The Price You Pay

As we get older I think we really start to reflect on our life, and in those reflections we see the price we've paid. It may have been with our career, with our family or with a passion but one thing is for sure, balance there is not, sacrifice a lot of, decisions many, regrets, most likely. How do you change this in a society that is driven by a market of greed? I'm not sure but I have never been one for Title's or Labels but it sure seems to be that unreachable goal for a lot of people. They do it at the costs of their families, their well being and most of all the loss of their soul. Led by pattern rather than conciseness, drowned out of ones heart to swim in another ones pool. It is a trap, unassumingly decorated by options, benefits and the glimmer of promotion. Behind the beauty lies darkness, the nights at which you sit behind a screen and the sunrise and sunset have been missed. The loneliness only dissipated by co-workers, and who you are at the core has been identified through a number on a badge. If I could change the World, I would, but I have realized I can only change mine.

Can you change yours?

Drama Mama

Is it me or does everyone know someone that is this? I mean if creating your own victimization in life is what you are all about then just let me know up front, I will try and stay clear. It's so interesting to me that the people with the most drama... LOVE IT, if they can't tell you about something tragic or life altering that has happened to them then they have nothing else to say... Wow.... I hate to say this but Men, well straight men do not have this Drama Mama title. Sometimes I'd like to join their club and walk through life without telling someone it'll be OK, just hang in there. Sometimes I'd like to tune out.... LOL!

Anyhow, this is just another wonderful experience to tally on the wall of things not to be on my list, so if you ever think my Mama Drama is kicking in... kick me will ya:)

Later peeps!

Ni Hao

Am I the only one who thinks we need to start learning Chinese as our first language here in America? Now this by no means is dis-respect to China but it looks from this vantage point that we may have to start living in smaller homes and perhaps look at not having multiple children, unless of course you get signed on TLC and can make some money of the munchkins. The Economic state of this Country is still in flush mode and I have not seen the plunger anywhere. I know were trying to stop it from circling above with writing bad checks and all, but the interest alone is going to take the next few generations to even make a dent, and God forbid we start to see people working for FREE British Airways.... holy lord then were in real deep doo doo. I mean let's keep salaried employees working from home on the weekends and late at nights, but lets not go straight crazy! I have a call into the old White House, I want to know how to write a check that won't clear, I haven't heard back. I am also on the waiting list to get a good deal on a GM vehicle, but perhaps instead I'll buy stock in the ole gal, shit she's backed by the Government what could go wrong?

Considering my badge still gets me in the building at work so far so good, but I feel like I should be giving the old boss a high five everyday just to be working.... is this the new America?

Fact or Fiction

Where do I even begin on this one? The world is so full of crap it's hard to know where to step next without landing in it. I am learning pretty quickly over the last year or so that there really is no difference between fact or fiction, it's all perception. A persons view on what you are doing versus what is being done only speaks to their truth, and with that knowledge I am learning to master Faction... that's right I have even re-named it. It's my new Mantra.... wait it's my 1st Mantra... anyhow, I am thinking about printing it up on T-shirts and Bumper stickers and maybe even getting Oprah to put her stamp on it. Shit, she rules the world anyhow right? Any who... what I am saying is quit worrying about the high road when making decisions that are not life and death, the low road is just fine, it's a one way road so look out ahead, you may have to weave.... Don't forget the international peace sign, it's one finger and you can still talk on your cell at the same time. Hey, all the cool kids do it.