Categorizing... Back to the Library

I often wonder how people don't remain friends forever. Now that I am getting closer to 40 I am starting to realize the difference between acquaintances and friends. It's kind of a bummer to categorize but I am finding you have to. The plain and simple truth is if you don't have the time or make the time to put into those relationships they will never evolve. Now you may not want them too and that is why categorizing is so important. At this second chapter in your life, time is your enemy and why spend it where you don't want too. Time has now become the most important commodity and if mis-handled like money you will be very disappointed. Regret after all is missed opportunity. I am starting to really master the level of all my relationships, personal and otherwise and I am finding that by letting go of some of them and working better at others I am really starting to find that life is a little easier. There is an peacefulness in knowing who cares for you, who is willing to go the extra mile and accepting that other's won't and acknowledging the difference. Letting go allows you to give so much more to those you want, and that is by far the wealthiest you will ever be.

Thankful

If I could give what's be given to me, the world would want nothing and we'd all live in peace.
If I could say how much I've been loved, Heaven would not be such a far place above.
If I could hold my riches of laughter, no playground would be big enough here or ever after.
If I could contain the tears of joy that I've cried, the surf would be a never ending wave of stride.
If I could not let go of the things that I earned, I'd never know the big lesson in learn.
If I'd known what more was, I'd want what was less, I never knew I didn't have what was best.
If I could wrap it all up in a box with a bow, I'd say Thank You to all that I've ever known.
If I could tell you a secret in this world that we live, It's that you shine brightest by what you choose to give.

Willing to travel

If I could tell you my story, it would be of love and loss. It’s been given and taken on many roads crossed. If I could share what I know, if I could tell you the end, I couldn’t change the way my life would be without a friend.
I see myself in you, in your pain and your sorrow. We have each other to talk to when no one else ever bothers. It’s hard to accept, and hard to define but what once was yours is now mine. It’s woven up so tight, but together we make it fray, fragmented into pieces a little every day.

If freedom from pain is a spark in my eye, you are the light that shines bright in the sky. It reflects back in joy, and in laughter and in light, my soul fills and is about to take flight.

If I could tell you my story, it would be of great and good. It’s been a long time coming and it’s built by sticks of wood. Stacked upon the foundation of breaking it down, I’ve learned to turn my days from backwards and upside down. They fill with noise of happy, reflection and of truth, for I dared to travel through the thickness of the roots.

It’s a road that travels far and wide and acceptance of where you were, to take the journey be open and observe, for it’s your road filled with many lessons learned.

The inner you always surfaces

Hi inner you, you know the one that is self assured, the risk taker, the outspoken, yeah I am talking to you. Instead of spending half the day on being the outer you why don't we put more effort into exposing our inner character? Have we bought into the idea that what you wear and what you look like actually matters? Holy shit balls if yes, because the outer has nothing to do with what is going on in your heart or your head. Before you say, na uh Jen, I say wake up, because if you really were the truest self on the outside you wouldn't be getting up everyday and be excited to go to work... now laugh I say, it's not that you would not work, you just wouldn't work on anything but being a better you. Imagine how awesome the world would be if it was not driven by money, you would not have to buy anything to be anything to buy anything. Wow.... damn I'm deep tonight, it's the vicious circle that we sometimes get trapped in and you have to check in once in awhile to make sure that your circle has some gaps, that way you break from it and check in on the most important things. That is time, family, love and reflection because without any of these none of those "things" matter. So put your best foot forward Prada shoes not necessary and make sure the inner you is always at the surface, the shallow end sucks.

Halloween....mooooawahahaha

I cannot explain my happiness for this Holiday. Every year as I get older I love it more and more. I hate to say that I have fun scaring the bejusus outta little kids but the truth of the matter is I do. I'm sure it stems from the experiences I had in my early childhood with my family. I can remember going to the Haunted Museum of Man in Balboa Park with childhood friends of ours and then wanting to all sleep in the same bed when we got home. I have never been so scared in my life, thank god for a good pacemaker... lol! Now that I am upgraded maybe my scariness can kick it up a notch again this year. I love our neighborhood cause we live around like minded people and we will be haunting... so look out. You'll get some candy of course but you might wet your pants... and you know what, I'm gonna enjoy the possibility of making you cry.... oh karma..... I hear ya a knocking:)

Protest or Pro-Active?

Today I was taking my daughter to school and we just happen to live by a planned parenthood. Every time I drive by that general area there are people out pro-testing abortion. Now I understand that this is a topic that is edgy for everyone, people have been killed over this life issue, which to me is just crazy when you think about it. I wonder how many of those protesters have ever been to a child's foster home, or to a center that cares for them. I wonder how many are Foster parents or how many have adopted an un-wanted child. I wonder why so much effort is placed on the unborn child when there are hundreds just locally needing homes, not to mention millions across the world that could have a chance of a better life. I don't understand the wasteful time standing on a street corner with a sign, when they could be with a child making the difference. Perhaps less people on the streets with signs could be the answer to no children needing loving homes. I hope for that change for all children, for they are the future of this world and we are the example and it's not a lesson on a sign, at least not for me.

The Daily Lesson

Everyday I am amazed at some of the things my daughter says. She is only 4, however her heart and soul seems ageless to me. I am not sure what we have done as parents to be so blessed by such a loving, compassionate little girl, but I am so thankful to be part of her world. We do try to teach her independence, self assurance, and the ability to understand that how other people feel about things does not define her or her thoughts. We want her to look at the world and gain perspective by who she is and not by what others think she is. I know it's going to be hard, there are so many distractions and influences at every moment, but somehow we have to try and keep her grounded in her. We hope to show her to give people a chance, that disappointment is up to her and when someone else is having a bad day to not take that on. To know how to accept everyone, and to accept herself and her struggles. To be honest, forthcoming, and open to all ways people live their lives, to be non-judgmental and most of all to stand her ground at all costs, it is the biggest representation of who she will grow up to be.

Life

Life is so great, I know I say that over and over and if you know anything about me you would understand why. I am currently recovering from my 4th pacemaker implant. That's right number 4, since I was 10 an electronic device implanted in my body has been the only saving grace from life and death for me. It has been and will continue to be the scariest thing I face, mortality, and yet it is the most common ground we all have with each other. Every day is a little death and we don't even think about it. Well, maybe you don't, but I do. You see I can tell you what death feels like, I can tell you what your body does when your heart stops and the blood slows, I can tell you that you sink into yourself at a depth so quickly that you have to realize that your soul has to be bigger than life. If death happens so quickly then why are we so slow to live our life? You have to realize that it is in an instant, seconds maybe that you are no longer living, and in that moment of fade everything in your life comes back to you. Your choices, your family, your decisions about everything you have done or not done. Saying I love you, I'm sorry, I can't, I will or just saying something is no longer a choice at this moment, so I say make that choice now. There should be no questions unanswered if you are paying attention in your life, so do yourself a favor and check all the way in while you are here, because there is no second chance.

The Emancipation of Jeni

I for one have NEVER I mean NEVER liked to be called by Jeni. I don't know what it is about this shortened version of my name, I have always just felt that Jeni never could represent the core of who I am. I see myself as strong, independent, forward and an all around hold my ground kind of girl, you know what? I recently discovered that others see me as compassionate, open & trustworthy. I have discovered that Jeni isn't so bad, she is another part of me that perhaps I keep closer so that she can be there for when she is called upon. I think I have tried to define myself with a name but realized I can become one dimensional and ideas, views and opportunities for growth become smaller. I am going to Emancipate Jeni and let this part of me flourish so that I can be seen and see the best of all I am, and work on all the faults. Allowing myself true discovery of me.

Not part of the wall

Have you ever felt like what you are a part of was one solid structure? Mixed with strength, compassion, dependability, loyalty & support that the structure will hold up forever? I hoped, until I realized that each individual point in the structure sees itself as the entire wall. I so badly want it to be a strong and successful structure, but I am finding that the materials I am working with are crumbling beneath me. That what I thought once was a solid structure is no more then a mirage in the desert when thirst plays tricks on you. I fear the crumbling, I dread the fall but sometimes things have to crumble in order for new walls to be built. Perhaps by building a new structure understanding and goal for the new wall becomes clear. A commonality in ones heart and soul can shine through, perhaps the strength is in the knowledge from the fall and the new found respect that all pieces must have the same amount of strength, compassion, dependability, loyalty and support will prevail. I hope too be a part of this new wall.